I grew up in a dysfunctional family, like most people, experiencing the same emotional neglect my parents had likely endured growing up, and their parents before them—the lack of awareness and love passed on from one generation to the next. Although I was the youngest of my siblings, my natural disposition to lead and be of service placed me from an early age in the role of the ‘responsible one’ within the family dynamics.
One of my brothers suffered from a rare form of ataxia (muscular paralysis) that gradually hampered his ability to walk, move, and talk, until his lungs and then his heart stopped functioning at the age of 20. I loved him very much and became a surrogate mother of sorts, caring for his needs while also offering emotional support to my mom, who often rationalized her emotions or suppressed them with work and alcohol.
Clearly, I was attempting to feel useful and compensate for all the chaos in the family. Aside from my dear brother losing his mobility, my father was an anguished, authoritarian man who was always angry, my eldest brother was tangled up in addiction and trouble, and my sister proved to be a manipulative narcissist who didn’t care about anyone but herself. I took responsibility for anything they didn’t want or know how to deal with. I turned into a fixer.
My role quickly became an expectation—no, an internal obligation—that would color most of my personal relationships. But it would be too simplistic to think that it was merely the result of family circumstances or conditioning. Besides the karmic component of my environment, it was deeply ingrained and continued to be active long after my brother died, I left the family home, and started my own family—that is, until I discovered the truth and real purpose behind it.
The thing is, a responsible fixer becomes the scapegoat pretty quickly when things don’t get ‘fixed,’ that is, when you don’t take emotional responsibility for others, doing or saying what they need to feel better, even if they don’t openly ask. But the dynamic puts a lot of pressure and creates confusion and resentment. I have explained this codependent tendency in feminine (empathic) souls in The Indigo Journals, so I won’t go into detail here, but I’ll point out that taking emotional responsibility for others is a good way to remain in the past (trapped in old family dynamics) while hiding behind them to avoid taking responsibility for yourself.
Peace and Fulfillment Demand Spiritual Responsibility
It’s a very clever trick of the ego-mind: projecting onto other people what you need to heal while hiding the wounded need to be useful, appreciated, liked, loved, right that holds you emotionally in the past. The main role or roles you take during childhood are imprinted in your perception because they arise from subconscious, predominant tendencies you carry from previous incarnations. Conditioning and repetition simply reinforce what is already there, weaving the fabric of your life with mental patterns. There’s nobody to blame for the circumstances and events you go through; in fact, if you do, you remain attached to your wounds and rob yourself of the possibility to transform things.
The ego-mind is self-centered, since it’s the principle of individuality, and it controls your perception in relation to others. For the ego to exist, there must be a conflict or strife that separates you from your true nature (Divine Consciousness) and from a direct experience of reality (Oneness). It creates desires, expectations, judgments, doubts, fears, and all kinds of mental fluctuations to keep you from seeing yourself clearly and taking responsibility for your own happiness.
In this sense, taking spiritual responsibility is accepting that your circumstances result from the choices you’ve made and will continue making until your change your perception through self-awareness. None can do this for you, because your life is your own mental movie. You must decide every step of the way whether you want to remain trapped in the wounded child archetype—hoping and wishing for love, validation, change, or salvation—or you’re willing to make the effort to look within and make conscious choices toward emotional and spiritual freedom.
The easiest way to dismiss your own ‘sense of otherness’ disconnecting you from the flow of love is to shift your perception of life as a mental movie reflecting what you’re here to nurture and develop in yourself, and what you must let go of. Understanding your projections and identifications allows you to drop outdated beliefs and the negative tendencies that reinforce your attachment to pain—in the form of anger, sadness, sabotage, fear, or righteousness—to keep you emotionally stuck in the past.
Clearly, this is a process that requires guidance and support, because the ego-mind is relentless in its mission to separate you from your true Self, making it hard to discern what’s real from what’s illusion, and the physical senses keep your attention outwards, focused on the world of appearances and desires rather than the truth of your divinity and inherent freedom. Unless you transcend ego, all your mind can see out there is your own reflection. In this sense, social responsibility also starts at home, from within, to heal your contribution to the collective karma.
There’s no way to be happy and at peace when the ego-mind is in control of your perception, reinforcing outdated roles and tendencies. Your soul reincarnated to resolve precisely these mental constructs blocking your fulfillment. So contact me today to unravel negative patterns and discover new possibilities of experience. I have the ability to connect with you on a soul level and zoom into the issues preventing you from realizing the truth of who you are and what you’re here to accomplish.
© 2019 Yol Swan. All rights reserved.