Are You Everyone’s Surrogate Mom?

stop taking responsibilty for others with intuitive spiritual counseling & coachingAre you the one who’s always ready to give a hand, fix a problem, or take responsibility for others? Well, that used to be me in a nutshell. I had a lovely friend and roommate in college who used to make fun of me whenever this tendency showed up in my relationships. She’d say, “Once a mother, always a mother…” Mind you, I hadn’t had a child yet!

I often found myself mothering those I cared for, especially my close relationships, and the prevalent dynamic was me taking care of others and others not taking responsibility for themselves or our relationship. I believed that my actions were motivated by love, but it was frustrating to be taken for granted. I was invisible and resentful that others didn’t do their part, and my life felt heavy—until I realized I created these situations myself.

I can understand that my Indigo nature gave me the inherent tendency to be of service. I know I shared with all women a millennial unconscious conditioning that also played a part. Perhaps I could even blame my feminine instincts for some of this (although I’ve seen this pattern in men, too). Or give a this-is-just-who-I-am type of excuse. But if I am radically honest, I recognize that this pattern was the result of my lack of clear boundaries and a codependent self-perception that I had not taken full responsibility for.

If you identify with what I’m saying here, perhaps you should ask yourself: “Who am I?” “Where do I end and others begin?” “And why do I exclude myself in any equation that has to do with love?” I can see that my payoff was to make my ego feel “good” and “useful” and “self-sacrificing.” Can you tell what your payoff is when you turn into a surrogate mother or savior instead of just being your authentic self?

Because the truth is that taking emotional responsibility for others is the best way to avoid taking responsibility for yourself; it’s the perfect hiding plan. You can dwell in a sense of righteousness (or victimhood) without being accountable for your own life. Oh, I’ve been there, I know how this works. Your attention and energy are focused on others, reinforcing the sense of “otherness” that keeps making you feel that you’re not good, smart, or strong enough on your own. Since you validate yourself through others, you create demanding expectations that usually result in disappointment.

Take Loving Responsibility For Who YOU Are

The thing is that to become not just “good enough” but much better than good enough on your own, you must give yourself permission to take action and learn from it; to make your own choices without apologies, even if they feel “selfish.” It’s like riding a bike: you make mistakes and fall a hundred times, but you get back on your feet and keep going until you find your balance. Then everything falls into place. In other words, you have to come out from hiding behind others and start taking responsibility for what YOU do, say, feel, and think!

Now, why is this so hard? Because the ego-mind wants, no, actually needs the hurts and bruises of imbalanced relationships and a distorted self-perception. Without them, it simply wouldn’t exist. Unresolved emotions feed your ego; they become the fuel that empowers it to control your life. Not because the ego is “bad,” but because it’s the tool Consciousness uses to both experience and then transcend physical reality—through your individual mind.

So your choice is really between remaining trapped in the mental loops of the ego that push you to focus on everyone but yourself, settling for a supportive role, or turning inward to discover who you really are to regain the reins of your own destiny. Choosing the latter starts with a decision: to stop hiding, become completely independent, and be radically honest about how you feel and what you desire.

Without the clarity of our own emotional compass, your life will always seem to “happen” without you having any saying or control. Your reality will continue to reflect the confusing and contradictory choices of your ego. So if you’re ready to manage and master your emotional energy, contact me today to get started on your soul guided self-exploration and create a life with purpose that will lead you to the loving relationships YOU truly want!

© 2014 Yol Swan. All rights reserved.

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