Are you being a people pleaser? On the surface, people-pleasing looks harmless. You want to be polite, kind, or helpful. You say “yes” when asked for a favor, smooth over (or avoid) conflicts, or bend yourself into what you think others expect. You may even convince yourself that this is what being a good or spiritual person is all about; putting others before you.
You’re not wrong, except that it’s all about the inner motivation rather than the external appearance. Selflessness is the path to egolessness, which is spiritual freedom. Kindness and service are forms of love, thus aspects of your true Self. In fact, everything in Creation is serving everything else, either consciously or unconsciously, willingly or unwillingly, since we are One, connected on a subtle, eternal level. We help each other learn about our human experience—through pleasure and pain—to be able to transcend it.
But being a people pleaser is not about selfless service; the motivation behind it is more ego-centered than it seems. It comes from a wounded need, a compulsion, or a sense of obligation to do what you believe would make others happy to avoid being judged or rejected. In this sense, it robs you of your inner freedom and power, which can damage your sense of self. Every time you betray your inner truth or silence your inner voice to maintain the illusion of harmony, you reinforce the conditioning that keeps you disempowered.
People-pleasing is rarely about genuine generosity. More often than not, it is about fear:
- Fear of rejection or abandonment.
- Fear of criticism or disapproval.
- Fear of conflict and the anxiety or discomfort it stirs.
These fears arise in childhood, if love felt too conditional. You likely had to earn attention, affection, or safety by meeting other people’s needs. Over time, you internalized the belief that your value depends on how useful, agreeable, or accommodating you are. Now you feel guilty when you express your needs or say no, anxious when someone is unhappy or angry, and secretly resentful when you are overlooked or unappreciated.
Being a People Pleaser Is Karmic Conditioning
From a spiritual perspective, these subconscious patterns are not random. They are karmic imprints, that is, unresolved tendencies carried from past experiences, both in this life and beyond. They color how you perceive yourself and the world, and they show up as the compulsion to please others at your own expense.
But you cannot awaken to your true, divine nature while abandoning yourself. Your true nature is love, and you’re here to discover it by dissolving the illusion that love is or needs external validation (see From Fear to Truth and Love: Where Your Real Power Lies). Hopefully, the disappointments resulting from trying to please everyone eventually push you to seek guidance to reclaim your power and align with your truth. It takes courage, especially because the ego triggers various forms of resistance, but each time you choose authenticity over compliance, you dissolve outdated tendencies of perception and step closer to your inner freedom.
People-pleasing isn’t just emotionally exhausting; it also blocks the access to your eternal Self. If you silence your inner voice, you weaken the self-awareness and intuitive wisdom through which divine guidance flows.
This creates a split within between the false or surface “you,” who smiles and nods, and the true Self that liberates you from false identifications. You become restless, feeling unheard and unseen. In time, this dissonance can manifest as:
- Anxiety, resentment, or depression.
- Lack of clarity about your purpose.
- Burnout or chronic fatigue.
- Difficulty accessing joy or inner peace.
The very energy you give away to others is the fuel you need to grow and expand.
Reclaiming Your Energy and Power
Breaking free from this loop requires self-awareness and practice. Here are some steps to help you out:
- Pause Before You Respond. Notice the impulse to say “yes” immediately. Step back to hold the impulse. Breathe. Ask yourself, What is my motivation here? Am I agreeing from truth or from fear? This pause creates space to choose differently.
- Honor Your Inner Authority. Trust your inner guidance more than your impulses or people’s expectations. Your intuition always points you toward alignment, even if it feels strange at first. Ask yourself, How do I feel? What do I want right now? Once you see the contrast between being who you are now an—feeling whatever you are feeling—and reacting from an old, outdated version of yourself, it’s easier to let it go.
- Release Guilt and Fear. Guilt and fear will arise when you start setting boundaries. Remember they come from outdated ideas about yourself (who you’re supposed to be) that the ego-mind uses to keep you stuck in past patterns and roles. Question them to dissolve the delusion that they’re you; they’re just ideas about you. Be objective: How am I perceiving myself right now? What or who does this remind me of? When you see the past coloring your perception, you can live more intentionally because you’re in the present.
- Practice Authentic Communication. Saying “no” or setting boundaries doesn’t need to be harsh. It can be clear, kind, and firm: “That doesn’t work for me right now.” Turn inward to observe your thoughts and feelings so you can express your needs clearly, from a centered place. Again, ask yourself, What is my motivation here? You must be completely honest with yourself to be able to express yourself freely to others.
- Reconnect With the Source Within. Through practices like meditation, mantra, prayer, self-inquiry, or journaling, you can find your center, the place within that is untouched by other people’s demands. This is where your true power lies, when you anchor yourself in yourself—not in pleasing, but in being. This is also the source of all experience: the true you.
We each come into this life with tendencies of perception that become patterns we must untangle to keep evolving toward universal love. If people-pleasing is one of yours, you’re not alone; that’s simply how the ego-mind works to create an individualized human experience. It’s not about being selfish or unkind; it’s about reclaiming your sacred selfishness—that which makes you you. The more authentic and honest you are with yourself, the more love and togetherness you’ll experience.
But you need to understand how the ego-mind works and how it keeps you emotionally stuck in the past, trapped in an outdated version of yourself. So, contact me today to reclaim your energy, stop scattering your power, and gain emotional and spiritual freedom!
P.S. If you’re not ready to work with me as your spiritual mentor and coach to delve deeply within, you can learn about the workings of the ego-mind to transform your perception and experience by implementing the Swan Method I share in You Are Your Healer: The Ultimate Guide to Heal Your Past, Transform Your Life & Awaken to Your True Self!
© 2025 Yol Swan. All rights reserved.
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